Talk:The Metro
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I don't know what I'm doing here, so I just picked a story and did an edit/proofreading pass on it.
"The Metro" isn't a bad little story, although I suspect what it really needs is a narrative voice overhaul. The main body of the story is a tad too sappy (but only a tad - fortunately this is a very short story). And the narrator's out-loud voice is way different from his inner voice, which didn't sit well with me.
But it's an interesting premise, and the interruption at the end is, I think, extremely well done.
Thanks! This was written about two years ago, and I believe you might be the third person to read it. I guess it still needs work, but I am releived that I didn't get flamed! - mandtae
Voice change
Thinking more, I would consider changing the dialogue voice of the homeless guy to be a more "educated." I think that would fit well with the inner voice, and it gives the story an additional kick: it's not just uneducated drug addicts who are living on the street.
It's a very small change, too. The only disadvantage I can see: you have to be careful that the reader realizes the guy is homeless. I am pretty sure it should still be obvious, but my viewpoint has been polluted by reading the story, so I don't know for sure.
This story has a lot going for it. The interruptions from the trains break up the story and give it some tension. The sex is hot, especially considering that it's just a mental fantasy. The opening paragraph has a good hook because it gives the reader a puzzle to solve.
Perhaps somebody out there can take a stab at the dialogue voice?
