Talk:Cute Teen Girl

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Somebody wrote a first sentence (nicely Bible-compliant!), and then appended this comment, which I've excised from the story proper and moved here:

(feel free to delete this, I was just trying to get someone else, who might be able to actually write, started)

I just re-wrote my first sentence. Maybe someone else will run with it?

NEW friday 24th of June 2005: People, please document your changes, by briefly explaining what you've done (1-2 words, or a short sentence, helps a lot). I can't for the life of me figure out what it is that this JDemille dude has changed (perhaps nothing?). According to the diffs, he/she/it deleted one copy of the first paragraph - the previous edit left the first paragraph there twice. That was it, --Slowbowler I know I was bad about it early on with regards to the Story Bible, but I've learned from those mistakes. - Skjald

When talking about the girl's luck running out...i.e., "but sooner or later it'd go wrong" perhaps something more along the lines of "but sooner or later probability would lean the other way" or use "the odds" or "fate" instead of probability.

The first aid kit..."then rushed out of the car to get the first aid kit, carrying it to the girl." Where was teh first aid kit located? Perhaps behind the seat or maybe in the tool locker in the bed of the truck. A little more description would help. Unless you are going for less then it would be more like " then rushed out of the car pulling the first aid kit with him, carrying it to the girl." Just a couple of minor things that stood out to me. Change them or not, thanks for getting a story started. Oh, by the way I have no idea how to edit the actual story so I will just leave suggestions for others to act or not upon. - Korieth

I don't have a driver's license, so I'm not sure where a responsible car owner would keep his first aid kit, but I'm imaginging it's in the trunk. I'll address your other points later - Skjald.

Hi I took a try at editting the story - didn't change narrative just put in some white space and changed some wordings. Hope it worked for you.

--WarLord 01:23, 27 Jun 2005 (EDT)

I added a paragraph at the end. I'm going out for the evening, but will check back later and add more, or see if anybody else has any better ideas than me :) -Josiah

I added some more this morning. I hope somebody else will do the next bit, as I'm curious to see where somebody else would take it. -Josiah

I have added a few lines, the story grabbed me. It was two loners of different age groups who did not have much in common with their peer groups and yet seemed to have something in common i.e. their love of chess. I have amended Jenny in respect of masturbation and her pubic hair. I think Jenny will realise her sexuality as she bonds with Louis through chess and other activities. Louis will fall in love with Jenny and this will present him with a dilemna in respect of their age difference which is equated by their intellectual abilities:-)) Granite July 4th.

Minor working, punctuation cleanups - nothing that you'd want to re-read it to discover. Did fix the guy's name (make it what the bible says it should be) and made the other driver a male - if someone stopped, got out, and talked, there's not going to any question which gender applies - don't need silly plural pronouns in order to make it gender neutral (only reason for male is that it's probably less likely a female would have just driven away and left an ingured teenage girl with an unrelated adult male). On first aid kits - your average driver isn't going to have one at all, they're essentially useless for anything you're likely to experience in a car (any accident is either minor enough that attention can wait for a more suitable environment than the side of a road, or so serious that nothing in a typical first aid kit is going to assist with in any way at all). However, leaving it in the story makes sense - notice that after being fetched, it isn't used at all - that's about right - but it adds to character development (Slowbowler, July 5, ~11:00 UTC)

I have added a bunch of new paragraphs, perhaps taking this in a slightly different direction than others had intended. The main point being to add a little meat, I dislike those 2 page, contentless, fuck stories... To get back on track now is going to make this longer than it might otherwise have been (I think). Of course, feel free to undo. Apologies for putting nothing in the "Summary", didn't know what that was for. Next time... (Slowbowler, July 5, ~12:15 UTC)

I just updated the textto repair continuity after some recent changes. Please, everyone, if you're going to change things (which is fine) make sure that you change everything related. Eg: as I left things last, Jenny was in hospital just coming out of a coma (or whatever). She has the presence of a bunch of flowers pointed out to her. After a change, she notices the flowers, assumes they are from her parents, and thanks them. That's fine. But she cannot them immediately continue to say "What flowers?" as if she had never seen the things... Similarly, "Louis, as you seem to call him" as words spoken by her mother, make no sense - Jenny has just awoken, she hasn't said anything to her mother (one brief phone call) since before she met Louis - how could her mother know what Jenny called him (whether that was Louis or not). On the other hand, the parents, and Loius have apparently been talking a lot over the past couple of days, they're of a similar age, it is quite likely that they would be calling him Louis, rather than Mr Benson, whatever Jenny calls him. Last, for this rant anyway, try to keep the characters in character. 13 year old girls don't just "realise that they should be taken to hospital after a bump in the head" - that's not what a 13 year old is likely to think at all, no matter how well educated, it isn't the kind of thing they are likely to have any experience with, and for this story, there's no need to force it. (Slowbowler, July 11, ~11:10 UTC)